Did you miss Impact last night?  Were you too drunk or high to remember the whole thing?  No worries, because I am the BEST IN THE WORLD at writing wrestling reports and after a lengthy hiatus I am back on the job!

Actually, I’m really just tied for best in the world with the other W-O reporters, but “Tied for best in the world” would never work as a catch phrase or a t-shirt, so I’m just going to lovingly stroke my ego and call myself the best in the world anyway.

Impact begins with Aces and Eights (in poker, a hand consisting of black A’s and 8’s is called “Dead man’s hand”) riding around in motorcycles outside the arena, and is followed by a recap of all their recent attacks.

In the Impact Zone, the Insane Icon Sting walks to the ring with several members of the TNA roster following him. Sting calls out James Storm, the man falsely accused of being behind Aces and eights, and Storm comes to the ring. After being attacked last week, Storm is no longer under suspicion, and he wants to turn this wrestling show into an “ass kicking show!”

I think wrestling shows are supposed to be ass kicking shows anyway, but I understand what he means.

Two member of Aces and Eights finally show up and are immediately beaten down by the TNA wrestlers. The two men are unmasked and are not people I recognize. They appear beaten and bloodied, but oddly happy. Apparently they just earned a merit badge from their fellow thugs for coming out and getting their asses kicked. They claim that the rest of their gang is going to make sure it’s a long, painful night for everyone.

Commercial

When we return, Miss Tessmacher comes to the ring for the first match of Open Fight Night. Tessmacher calls out her mentor and best friend, Tara, to see if she can beat her. Taryn Tyrrell (formerly known as Tiffany in WWE) is announced as the special knockouts referee. The two women start of slow and exchange armdrag takedowns; Tara eventually gets Tessmacher in a headlock.

Tessmacher fights out and Tara knocks her down with a shoulder block. The two women exchange hip tosses and then Tara hits Tessmacher with a front slam and covers her for a two count. Tara pushes Tessmacher to the corner and Tessmacher fights out with a forearm shot.  Tara hits Tessmacher with a chop and Tessmacher responds with a pair of clotheslines.

Tessmacher stays on the attack, land a dropkick, and then shoulder blocks Tara in the corner. Tess climbs to the top rope and hits Tara with a face plant. Tessmacher climbs back to the top but Tara cuts her off with a punch and follows up with a superplex for the win! The two friends hug after the match.

In the back, Sting is talking to the three men still scheduled to face D’Angelo Dinero in the Bound For Glory (BFG) series. The Pope has been injured at the hands of Aces and Eights, so Sting is going to have them wrestle each other instead, so they won’t lose an opportunity to earn more points. The three men are Robbie E, RVD, and AJ Styles.

Commercial

Match #2: AJ versus Robbie E versus RVD.

AJ and RVD team up against Robbie and hit him with several punches, knocking him back and forth between them and eventually knocking him to the floor. RVD and AJ trade headlocks before AJ lands a kick and a chop. RVD gets AJ in a body scissors and takes him down for a two count. Robbie re-enters the ring and RVD and AJ hit him with a double hip toss. AJ suplexes Robbie and sends him back to the floor.

RVD puts AJ in a headlock and wrenches it tightly until AJ is able to fight his way out of it. AJ dropkicks RVD to the floor and Robbie comes back in. Robbie knocks AJ down with a clothesline and then stomps him. Robbie hits AJ a couple more times and then goes after RVD when Van Dam tries to re-enter the ring. AJ hits Robbie with a punch, a chop, and then a running forearm. Robbie responds with a shoulder block.

Commercial

When we return, Robbie and AJ are in the ring and Robbie appears to be in control. AJ starts to fight back but misses a flying forearm. Robbie knocks AJ down again and then puts him in a headlock. AJ escapes with a jawbreaker, but Robbie quickly responds with a back elbow. RVD pulls Robbie out of the ring and onto the floor and then pummels him. Styles slingshots himself out of the ring and takes out RVD and Robbie E at the same time.  AJ rolls RVD back in and then hits him with a neckbreaker.

Robbie E climbs back up to the apron and AJ clotheslines him off it. RVD goes to the top rope, hits AJ with a thrust kick, and then follows up with Rolling Thunder. Robbie re-enters the ring and RVD knocks him down with a leg lariat and then hits him with a standing moonsault. Van Dam backdrops Robbie to the floor, and then AJ hits RVD with a moonsault into an inverted DDT.

RVD lands a kick and then climbs to the top. AJ tries to cut him off, but RVD pushes AJ to the mat. RVD hits AJ with the frog splash, but Robbie pushes RVD out of the ring and covers the stunned AJ for the win! Robbie E gets a big upset win and 7 points in the Bound For Glory series, but he’s still too far behind for it to matter.

Commercial

Jeff Hardy calls out Big Robbie T. Robbie T comes out wearing a sweater that perfectly matches the sweater of his soul mate, Robbie E.

Match #3: Very short match. Hardy lands a series of punches and Robbie responds with a clothesline and a front slam.  Hardy responds with an elbow followed by ‘whisper in the wind’. Hardy hits Robbie with several clotheslines, the Twist of Fate, and the picks up the win with a swanton bomb.

Commercial

Sting again calls out Aces and Eights and tells them he’s easy to find.

We see a recap of the painfully awful “Claire/AJ” storyline.  After the short but painful recap, Jeremy Borash is in the ring to announce the results of AJ’s paternity test and calls AJ to the ring. AJ claims he has no memory of the night in question, but promises to accept his responsibilities if it turns out he is the father. Daniels and Kaz come to the ring to yell at AJ and call him a deadbeat dad. They also claim that Claire can’t be there because the stress AJ has put her through has caused a placental disruption and she’s in the hospital.

At this point a woman I’ve never seen before enters the ring and takes the mic from Daniels. She claims to be Claire’s lawyer and reads a written statement from Claire. The statement basically says “this storyline is retarded and we are killing it now. Your welcome.” Actually what it really said is that she was never pregnant and was just helping Kaz and Daniels blackmail AJ, but it would have been better my way.

In the back, Aces and Eights confront Sting. Hulk Hogan comes from behind them and attacks. After they’ve been knocked down, Hogan says if they ever even look at his daughter again, he’ll cut out their hearts and feed them to his dog.

Commercial

After the break, we see a brief video tribute to Alex Silva, recent Gut check winner. The next Gut Check participant is Chris Louie, and his opponent is Gunner.

Match #4:  Chris takes Gunner down with an armdrag and then hits him with a shoulder block. Gunner lands a kick to the gut and then the two men exchange punches. Chris hits Gunner with a dropkick, Gunner responds with a clothesline and goes for a cover, getting only two. Gunner hits Chris with a couple elbow shots and then whips him into the corner.

Gunner lands a couple strikes and then whips Chris into the opposite corner. Chris retaliates with a series of clothesline and a Samoan Drop. Chris goes to the top but misses with the big splash. Gunner hits Chris with a Fireman’s carry slam for the win.

Commercial

In the back, ODB is calling her husband, Eric Young, and asking where he’s been. She wanted him to get some beer and fried chicken, and she tells him her fish are jumping. I don’t know what that means, I really have no idea; but I suspect it’s dirty.

Back in the ring, Mr. Anderson is calling out his last BFG opponent, Bully Ray.

Match #5:  The match starts of slow, with the two men mainly just jockeying for position. Eventually Anderson gets a headlock and Bully Ray fights out and knocks Anderson down with a shoulderblock. Anderson gets behind Ray, but Ray reverses it and clubs Anderson down to the mat. Anderson hits Ray with a kick, Bully responds with a backdrop suplex.

Commercial

When we return Bully Ray is in control. Ray unsuccessfully goes for a cover, and then steps on Anderson’s head. Ray bodyslams Anderson but then misses a corner slingshot splash. The two men get up to their knees and exchange a series of punches. They get to their feet and continue exchanging punches with Anderson eventually getting the advantage. Anderson hits Bully Ray with a clothesline and a neckbreaker.

Anderson gets Ray up on his shoulders but can’t hold the weight; Anderson collapses under Ray’s weight and gets flattened. Ray hits Anderson with a neckbreaker and then climbs to the 2cnd rope.  Anderson cuts Ray off and hits him with a rolling fireman’s carry slam. Anderson climbs to the top rope but Ray knocks him off by pulling on the ropes. Ray props Anderson back up on the turnbuckle and then superplexes him.

In the back, Aces and Eights get jumped by several TNA wrestlers as the match continues. Bully Ray hits Anderson with a Bully bomb but only gets a 2 count. Anderson hits Bully with a DDT and then follows up with a swanton, but only gets a two count. The two men get back to their feet Anderson misses with a clothesline but then hits with the Mic Check for the win!

After the match, Aces and Eights congratulates TNA for winning most of the battles so far tonight, but they promise to unleash hell in 3 and a half minutes.

Commercial

When we return Sting is in the ring with most of the TNA roster and he’s calling out Aces and Eights again. He says it’s been over three and a half minutes and he wants to know where they are.  Then they come out, and there are a lot of them. The TNA roster has the upper hand at first and several of the gang members have been unmasked, although I still don’t recognize any of them. More and more members of Aces and Eights come out, with many of them attacking AJ Styles, Hogan and Storm in the back.

Back in the ring, World Champion Austin Aries, Jeff Hardy, and RVD are standing tall in the ring, but even more people are coming out of the crowd to attack them. Eventually, they knock RVD and Hardy out of the ring and isolate Austin Aries.

They bring in one of the metal security barriers and pin Austin’s hand and arm in it, then break his arm with a steel chair. Bully Ray comes to save Aries wielding a steel chair and a chain. Aces and Eight’s bail out of the ring and leave the arena. As Impact goes off the air, the triumphant thugs ride off on motorcycles.