Venue: ppl Center, Allentown, PA

*****

Samoa Joe, Hook & Katsuyori Shibata vs Premier Athletes

Backstory: The heels have been irritating the babyfaces who’ve been chasing them and whipping their asses

Nese went behind Joe, who laughed at the vain attempt to move him.  Nese grabbed a headlock but was smashed down by Joe’s shoulder.  Sparking a chant for the latter.  A running back elbow left Nese on his ass again.

Hook in, wailing away, Nese countered a suplex and took Hook to the heel corner before tagging Daivari.  Hook slipped under his legs to tag Shibata.  Daivari tagged Josh Woods as if this would be a problem for the faces.

Shibata and Woods kept countering cross armbreakers into their own till Woods got the ropes.  Shibata got a knee bar, Nese came in to break it then tagged in.  Nese a ‘game changer’ per Nigel.  Guess changing something can mean making it worse right?

Nese attacked till Shibata walked away from a Nese top rope attack as Joe smiled approvingly then tagged in to jab the heel into a puddle in the corner.

Figured that was leading to the finish but it seems the faces are going to be ‘tested’ by this superlative trio of heels.  Joe hit a trip then a senton.  Hook in, armwringer into a northern lights suplex to Nese, throw following, series of rights for he and Daivari till Woods tossed him halfway across the ring via German but right to a tag to Shibata.

Who ran through everybody with kicks and strikes.  Running dropkick in the corner to Nese, suplex out, two.  Right back to the armbreaker, Nese thankfully tapped.  Shorter than some; longer than it needed to be.  This should have been a capital ‘S’ Squash.

The purpose of this feud was to establish the Joe/Hook relationship.  Now they’ve done that and won, hopefully they can move on to something more interesting.

Winner: Samoa Joe, Hook & Katsuyori Shibata

Juice and the Gunns.  Juice is pissed cause AEW won’t let him defend the belts.  The HOB are getting a title shot when Buddy’s back.  They talked smack to Pac.  Then put over the training White was doing ahead of the Owen.  Where Pac better hope Jay doesn’t see him.

They did their two words – Gunns up thing.

Chris Jericho & Big Bill vs Private Party

Backstory: PP tricked Jericho into making a buffoon of himself last week

It definitely sounded like a decent pop for Jericho’s entrance here.  Though everything’s relative.  Take for example the total and utter lack of reaction to Private Party.  Who are seemingly actually babyfaces again since they gave a kid some swag.

Jericho pretended to start then tagged Bill.  Who had a quote from Tony Schiavone on his ass, complete with attribution.  He wailed on Quen in the corner while making fun of their ‘shots, shots, shots!’ thing.  Then bealed Quen across to the other corner before a splash.

Another beal (have no idea how to spell that) followed before Quen avoided Bill then tried to land punches in the corner.  A single one put Bill back on top and Quen on the mat.  He tagged Jericho to a decent pop.  The crowd have been quiet again for most of this.

Jericho went to work with chops but took a leaping attack which saw the tag to Cassidy who came in with a series of weak ground and pounds.  Till Jericho raked the eyes.  PP hit back with a weak silly string.

Quen back in, Bryan Keith grabbed his foot, we must be nearing double figures for trips from the outside this week.  Jericho took advantage.

Ads.

Quen got two on Jericho via cross body.  Tag to Isiah, in via a springboard version, kip-up, Bill was bridged outside then springboard dropkicked a la Jericho and snapped across the top rope, sunset flip on Jericho for two.  Fans couldn’t care less.

Quen back in, weak splash in the corner, weak spin kick, another.  He sort-of got the knees up on a lionsault, Cassidy used Jericho’s back to propel onto Bill outside via dive.

Swanton to Jericho before Quen hit a very sloppy splash for two.  Bryan Keith took the ref, Bill ‘snuck in’ (he was already stood in the ring before the distraction) and nailed Kassidy with a big boot out of a springboard.  Jericho got two.

Jericho ducked his head, Kassidy yelled ‘suck this!’ and tried a rana but saw it countered into the Walls.  As McGuinness talked about the ‘bowels of Jericho.’  Which might be a good name for this gimmick.  Isiah finally got the ropes, Jericho tagged Bill who hit a big Bossman slam for two.

Easily the best-looking move all match.

Bill mocked the ‘shots!’ thing again.  He’s also been by far the most entertaining thing in this match, playing cocky bully with aplomb.  He chokeslammed Quen onto Isiah for another near fall.

Then lightly crashed into Jericho who was atop the buckle.  PP just about lariated Bill outside then hit Gin and Juice to Jericho but incorporating a code breaker.  Cool move; nice of Jericho to sit atop the buckle all that time.

Very near fall, crowd booed after cause it seemed like three though were silent for the count itself.  Isiah nailed Jericho with a flurry till the ref was a dumbass again and Bryan Keith hit Isiah with something before Jericho won.

Not good.  You might have noticed the word ‘sloppy’ once or twice.  You can throw in ‘slow’ and ‘awkward.’  Big Bill was the only wrestler who looked good here.

They were beating down PP again when Joe’s music hit and the victorious trio from earlier cleared the ring.  Excepting Keith who was caught by Shibata and had his arm stomped while in an armbreaker.  They implied his arm was broken.

Joe addressed Jericho and said ‘every idea that comes from your tree absolutely sucks.’  And that ‘the best ideas survive the crucible of combat.’  They challenged them for Forbidden Door.  The announcers had to pretend to be excited at a middling Dynamite match making it to ppv.

Poor Hook.  That vortex just keeps pulling him back in.

Winner: Chris Jericho & Big Bill vs Private Party

Oh and they remembered to mention that Okada guy’s wrestling next.  Having done almost nothing to promote it Wednesday.  Did you know this guy’s an all time, legendary talent they’re paying millions of dollars?  The booking certainly doesn’t.

Ads.

Kazuchika Okada vs Ultimo Guerrero (Continental Title)

Backstory: NONE whatsoever

We were told Guerrero is a legend and that we’d been ‘salivating’ since this match was announced (had wondered what all that liquid was coming out of my mouth, made for an awkward three days).  But nothing else.  Cause we all know who he is right?

The already popular Okada was guaranteed of being cheered here because fans will cheer a star heel over a guy they don’t know.  So the chants began immediately before they grappled to the mat, Okada freeing himself twice with arm and wrist drags.

Guerrero tried very hard to start a chant for himself and fans yelled back ‘Okada! Okada!’

He dropped Okada with a shoulder, Okada ducked a lariat, landed on his feet out of a tilt-a-whirl but took a shot as the Mexican got two.  Guerrero hit open hands in the corner, slap to the face, another to the chest, clubbing blow to the back, body slam.  More chops.  Another lariat.  And a chin lock.

Is this a house show?

Fans clapped for Okada like a babyface stuck in a hold.  He freed himself, Guerrero went for another hold; Okada got the ropes.  Then hauled Guerrero up into his off the shoulder neckbreaker; Guerrero blocked it seeking a submission, Okada again got the ropes then hit the neckbreaker when Guerrero raced at him.

Ads.

Okada hit a running attack in the corner, Guerrero awkwardly followed him out, the two on different pages, they collided then both went down.  This is doing untold damage to Okada’s already waning star aura.  Guerrero hit a baseball dropkick knocking him outside.

Huge slap to the chest which looked like it suuuucked.  Before sending Okada back in, Okada slipped off the shoulders and hit his dropkick, to barely a smattering of applause.  Probably hasn’t got that little reaction for a decade or more.

Guerrero escaped the Rainmaker lariat and caught Okada in a Liger bomb out of the corner for two.  Guerrero set Okada atop the buckle, back facing the ring, then sought a sliced bread or reverse superplex.  Okada went for the mask to counter, tried a Rainmaker as they got back to the mat, then managed to slip the mask off, the crowd gasped, the first noise in many minutes, a huge grin across Okada’s face as he used Guerrero covering his face to hit the Rainmaker to win.

From the perspective of a guy who’s never seen Ultimo Guerrero, that looked like Okada struggling against a masked no-mark who spent most of the match breathing heavily, something easily heard over the silence of a disinterested crowd.

Last Wednesday AEW announced Kazuchika Okada would have an eliminator match on Dynamite.  Then he barely appeared on the show.  Then had a title match here against a guy who doesn’t work for the company and had never before been introduced to the audience, announced in the dying seconds of Dynamite.

A mess of planning and promoting, then a lack of planning and promoting, a dollop of this guy’s done nothing to earn a title shot but he’s getting one, with a pinch of you all know this guy, right?

Your recipe for AEW in 2024.

Winner: Kazuchika Okada

Lexy with Top Flight and Andretti.  Dante talked about the horrible injury he suffered last time he was in a ladder match.  He had to relearn how to walk, run and jump.  People are calling him crazy for doing another but crazy is what it takes to win that match.

He told the others they’d have gold and something to celebrate next weekend.

Lio Rush entered and noted he’d had Dante’s back last week.  But at Forbidden Door, that won’t be the case, he wants the gold.  Dante said he wanted it too, they eyed one another, Darius said we’d see who the better man is.

Decent stuff, Dante a little more confident than usual.  Again, would help if they reminded us what the relationship was here.

Patriarchy vs Iron Savages

Backstory: NONE

Are there any babyface trios?

As usual, they let Jacked Jameson cut a promo for some reason.  Not for the first time tonight, fans couldn’t care less.  And for the second time in as many matches, the upper-card heels were cheered.

Cage let Wayne and Killswitch go to the ring then joined on comms.  Nigel was incredibly excited.  The Savages built to one of them drinking something.  No-one knew what it was so no-one cared.

Then ran at Killswitch and got knocked down.  Nick Wayne tagged in and postured mockingly.  The Savage who was in fired-up to no response then hit a back body.  Then yelled it was time for titty city.  At the risk of being redundant, no-one cared.

Wayne went to the city then came back to tag Killswitch who beat the crap out of the other team.  One tried to take his mask off.  Haven’t seen that in ages, what an idea!  He tossed that guy onto the other two at ringside.

After laying them all out, Nick demanded the tag.  With the match about won, Cage decided he was needed and came down to take the win.

This show is garbage.  The pointless matches are bad enough.  But they’re also getting their heels cheered into the bargain because fans aren’t at all invested in their opponents.  Booking that just screams whatever, here’s some stuff, take it or leave it.

Winner: Patriarchy

They showed Mercedes going to CMLL to confront Stephanie Vaquer.  Vaquer added to the ‘bitch’ total this week.  Mercedes called herself the CEO of the entire world of women’s wrestling.  And posed with her belts after winning a brief scrap.

Speaking of maybe babyfaces…

Toni Storm & Mariah May vs Leyla Hirsch & Lady Frost

Backstory: NONE

Storm and May channeled Torrie Wilson and Sable from about twenty years ago before the match, nearly kissing in the ropes.  Tony wondered why Mariah hadn’t gone to help Toni on Wednesday against Saraya and co.

Nothing much happened till May tagged in to hit crisp strikes then her spinning slam.  Toni knocked Frost of the apron with her hip, she and May posed in the ropes.

Ads.

Back to a Storm hot tag, northern lights to Hirsch for two after a backstabber.  Hirsch countered Storm Zero into an armbreaker.  Mariah broke the hold then worked the crowd building to the tag, they slapped each other’s asses before both missed hip attacks.

Frost hit a cartwheel cannonball, Hirsch an elevated knee strike.  Toni covered Mariah to protect her from Frostbite.  The faces hit stereo Germans then nearly kissed again before hitting hip attacks ahead of a Storm Zero as Mariah scrambled over to get the pin.

In another utterly pointless ten minutes of television.  Didn’t even show footage of what happened Wednesday.  AEW: Where we tell, not show.  And sometimes don’t even tell.

Winner: Toni Storm & Mariah May

Serena Deeb promo.  She’s lost three in a row – ‘redemption,’ ‘grit.’  She begged anyone to challenge her next Saturday.

Yet another who comes and goes; comes and goes.  Very hard to care.

Malakai Black & Brody King vs LSG & MSG

Backstory: NONE

Dante’s Inferno in like two mins.  The House indeed seem to have ‘turned’ without turning.  Always helps fans invest in acts.

Winner: Malakai Black & Brody King

Ian Riccaboni came to the stage to talk to the winners.  He asked how they felt after what happened to Buddy.  ‘What a human question!’ chortled Malakai before leaving.  Brody said something about revenge being a ‘straight line’ and that ‘we feel nothing.’

Cool.  You don’t care, so we shouldn’t.  Got it.

Hechicero vs Matt Menard

Backstory: Cero and co. attacked Menard and Daniel Garcia Weds

Hechicero (Cero) came out with the Gates of Agony.  They again refused to explain the relationship.  Cannot remember the last time Menard’s music played on a Wednesday or Saturday.  Can only assume this is an experiment to find out what true bottom is for the ratings.

Menard had a wrap on his ribs.  Which Nigel called a girdle in possibly the most entertaining thing all night.  Menard played to the crowd, the heel used the babyface posing to nail him and knock him outside.  Could swear that used to work the other way around.

A pair of knee strikes in the corner saw Menard stumble out into a back body.  Cero threatened to break the arm a la Penta.  And did.  Menard screamed.  Nigel was forced to say the crowd were stunned because there was literally no reaction.

His arm was absolutely fine moments later as he hit ten in the corner.  So fans were right not to care; he’s okay.  Cero grabbed a choke from the apron then sprang in via tornijo for two.  He hit his sort-of crucifix bomb then put on an armbar using his legs for extra torque.  And Menard quit.

It’s a good thing AEW threw out Okada and Ospreay here or we might be hearing some chants re: refunds.

Winner: Hechicero

We got a sappy, very babyface package pushing long-time scummy heel Jeff Jarrett as a crying former friend of Owen Hart’s.  Then perking up as he put himself over: the Owen Cup is the thing he’s most wanted in his whole career.  He vowed to win.

AEW, it is incredibly hard to care when people make huge character swings for absolutely no reason other than you decided it fit your booking.  In fact, it makes the whole product seem like nothing matters, nothing’s worth investing in and the promotion as a whole just isn’t worth watching.  The last time we saw Jeff a mere few weeks ago, he was the same carny heel he’s always been.

You are driving away fans by not caring about the consistency of your characters and stories.

Will Ospreay vs Brian Cage (International Title)

Backstory: Cage yelled a lot on Wednesday; a seemingly much better tactic than winning matches since he’s not good at this

Wow is this ever not a main event.  Ospreay got a huge reaction.  Chiselled pseudo monster-heel Cage looked a total geek in a cape you might wear to go trick or treat-ing.

He rushed Ospreay in the corner, a light smattering of boos could be heard. Ospreay hit back to cheers, backflipped onto his feet but was nailed again, crowd chanting ‘bruv!’ in support before he tried his step-up rana but was caught into human bicep curls and dumped (just, could’ve gone badly) over Cage’s shoulder.

Cage spilled to the apron, Ospreay knocked him off via yakuza kick then hit his vaulting cross body.

Ads.  Unless Swerve’s coming out or something, this is going a long-ass time.

Back to an Ospreay kip off the chest, step-up enziguri, Garcia watching backstage, AJ forearm for two.  Cage backdropped free, corner charge, enziguri, release German out of the corner.  He pulled Ospreay back in from the apron via suplex.  Then finally deigned to try to win.  But cool moves bro!

Fans chanted for Ospreay who rana’d free from a running powerbomb, to the top, forearm to the back of the head, Hidden Blade coming, Cage scooped him on his shoulders, Ospreay slipped behind seeking a sunset, was pulled up, hit a hook kick but went for an Oscutter and Cage met him via dropkick.  In one of those spots Cage insists on doing because a big man shouldn’t.  Particularly a heel.

Ospreay hit a powerbomb, both down.  They fought from their knees, as Schiavone briefly talked up Will’s exchange with Swerve Weds.  Cage hit a flatliner for two.

More ads.

Back to Ospreay hitting a hook kick but taking a lariat down and a spinning powerbomb for two.  Fans again chanted for Ospreay who tried a rana but settled for a ddt when Cage blocked it.

Cage countered a handspring attack into a German but Ospreay no-sold, popped up and hit a back elbow for two.  Then sought a stormbreaker but was forced to the corner before slipping under to hit the Nando’s kick.  Cage again blocked a rana, Will landed on his feet but was snatched into like a tour of the islands off the middle rope.

Mental.

Ospreay kicked out, Cage took him back upstairs but Ospreay finally hit the rana, Oscutter countered, Cage hit a right and went for the drillclaw, Ospreay countered into stundog, poisonrana, Oscutter, 2.9.

Pad off, Blade coming, hit, win.

Inarguably an incredible display of athleticism from both guys.  Very, very entertaining if that’s what you’re looking for.  If you’re not, it was the #1 contender taking an age to finish off a total loser on a night where fans didn’t get into a single near fall because they knew there was no chance any of the scrubs were pinning the stars.

And where they did little to promote their pay-per-view next Sunday.  Swerve-talk got about as much time as Daniel Garcia did here.

Winner: Will Ospreay

Some years back, the WWF (as it then was) taped their tv shows in Allentown.  Bog basic filler mostly comprised of squash matches with obvious finishes.  This was quite the homage.

 ________________________________________________________________

Next Dynamite:

• Jay White vs Rey Fenix (Owen QF)
• May/Mina/Storm vs Saraya/Jay/Cameron

Next Collision:

• Shida vs Deonna (Owen QF)

Thumbs Up/Down

• If you’re after a match for the sake of a match, the main event was an incredible display of action and athleticism (saving a show where AEW otherwise didn’t even serve their base of fans who only want quality wrestling)
• And on one hand it’s positive they’re not panicking about Wednesday’s rating by firing out title matches and etc. this coming Dynamite

 *****

• But going to the other extreme by almost totally failing to promote it and your ppv here was a strange choice
• Amid more nominal title matches with obvious outcomes which damage the prestige of titles, champs and championship matches
• In literally every match the fans were silent whenever one side was on offense
• The way they’ve booked Okada is just unbelievable, forget ‘Rainmaker,’ more like ‘Afterthought’
• If they’re doing any planning, it doesn’t show – the Okada mess, the Jarrett turn and etc. – if they are, it’s concerning that this is their best effort
• Man these CMLL guys are losers, why would we want to see them on a ppv?

Saying I hope you enjoyed the show sounds silly after skewering it.  But I appreciate you reading.  Enjoy the rest of the weekend.