Hey everybody! It’s @TheMagnumDA with another installment of the Raw Report. We are LIVE from Green Bay, Wisconsin.

 

We start with GOLDBERG, who comes out to a great reaction. I still love that they use his WCW theme music. Did you know…that used to be Pat Tanaka’s music in WCW? Who’s Pat Tanaka, you ask? Well, I’ll just say this…he has a win over Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania. Look it up.

 

Goldberg thanks the fans and takes in the cheers. He tells the fans that KO simply talks and talks, but Goldberg lets his actions do the talking. Bill makes a promise that he will spear and jackhammer KO, he will become the WWE Universal Champion at Fast Lane, and that he will defend the title at WrestleMania against Brock Lesnar.

 

This brings out Kevin Owens for (you guessed it!) MORE TALKING. KO’s now rocking the suit two weeks in a row (unless it’s the same one? Gross…) Kevin talks about beating everyone on the roster, so Goldberg will be no different. KO even name drops “Evolution” along the way. Hmm. Triple H, Joe, KO, and…Bluetista? Just kidding. 😀 Goldberg sarcastically tells him what a great speech that was, and then challenges him to (what would become) a Green Bay Street Fight. The place erupts, and then KO takes it off the table. HATE that spot, two weeks in a row! KO says that the fans in Green Bay don’t deserve to see KO, but they’ll get a chance this Sunday.

 

Seth Rollins will join us later tonight to give us an update on his WrestleMania status.

 

Match #1 – New Day vs. Jinder Mahal & Rusev

 

There is a TERRIBLE Oscars joke before the match that I’m not even going to discuss. Okay, I’ll try. Apparently, the Shining Stars thought they were the opponents of the New Day, but at the last minute…Primo and Epico are notified that the New Day will actually be wrestling Mahal and Rusev. Plus, there’s a card revealing the *actual* opponents of the New Day, and sure enough…it’s Jinder Mahal and Rusev. This actively killed brain cells. Why did I even waste time typing about it? In brighter news, Handsome Rusev has lost the facemask!

 

Woods and Mahal start. Mahal misses a few clotheslines and Woods catches him with a headscissors. Big E is tagged in and they hit the Honor Roll for two. Woods catches Rusev with a dropkick as Big E hits a splash to Mahal on the apron! Ouch!

 

After the break, Rusev have Woods in a front face lock. Woods fights out with a jawbreaker, but he can’t reach Big E. Rusev takes Woods to the opposite side of the ring and hits him with a huge fallaway slam for two. HARDBODY Mahal is tagged in, and he knocks down Woods for two. Cole was a bit too enthusiastic with that call. He drops Woods with a high elbow after Xavier fought out of a sleeper. Rusev tags in and continues to beat down Woods. Xavier tries to fight towards E again, but Rusev takes him to the opposite corner again, nailing him with shoulder blocks and a stiff right hand. Rusev drives his knee into Xavier’s face.

 

Woods tries to fight out of another fallaway slam, catching Rusev with an enziguiri. HOT TAGS! Big E is a HOUSE OF FIRE, hitting three belly-to-belly slams on Mahal, followed by the Ultimate Splash! Big E tries to hit the Big Ending, but gets caught with a nasty kick by Mahal. Woods tags in to splash Mahal for ONE, TWO! NO! Kofi and Rusev argue outside, allowing Woods to roll up Mahal for ONE, TWO, THREE!

 

Winners: New Day (*3/4)

 

Afterwards, Mahal and Rusev argue with each other. Uh oh…something’s simmering there. Bayley/Sasha vs. Charlotte/Dana is announced for later tonight.

 

Enzo and Cass are backstage. Enzo is talking about wearing the title…literally everywhere. Cass points out that they’ve never won the tag titles, but he feels confident about this Sunday. We then go to Cesaro and Sheamus, who proceed to argue over losing the #1 Contender’s spot last week. Samoa Joe interrupts, and Cesaro calls Joe “the guy who carries Triple H’s jock. This leads to Cesaro vs. Samoa Joe for later tonight. After this? We get another FOOLISH! burial from Stephanie McMahon to Mick Foley! Christmas came REALLY early for me. God, she’s a puke.

 

Match #2 – Akira Tozawa vs. Noam Dar

 

We get a really weird video from The Brian Kendrick before the match. He talks about lessons.

 

LESSON #1: Handshakes are for losers!

 

LESSON #2: Getting your feet stuck in the ring is for losers!

 

Lesson learned…Kendrick is a creeper. Akira takes Dar in the corner and screams at him. Akira drops a HUGE knee and a senton for two. Akira yells “TIMMAAY” and trades offense with Dar. Akira fakes out Dar with a HUGE forearm. Akira gets dropped from the corner right on his head. Tozawa landed awkward on his leg, too. Dar, the Cruiserweight genius…goes for the shoulder. FOOLISH! Akira hits another big forearm and Dar gets knocked outside. Akira with a SUICIDE HEADBUTT through the middle rope! Akira goes to the top but lands on his feet to kick Dar, allowing him a chance to hit the SNAP German Suplex for ONE, TWO, THREE!

 

Winner: Akira Tozawa

 

After the match, Brian Kendrick appears and throws Tozawa into the post! This is followed by a nasty superkick from the apron! Kendrick is wearing the powder blue “Dude Love” tights tonight. Doesn’t exactly match with a purple leather jacket, though.

 

LESSON #3: Keep an eye out for cheapshot artists…and don’t be a loser!

 

Backstage, Samoa Joe is called a “puppet” by Mick Foley. Joe vs. Cesaro is confirmed for later tonight. I can’t wait.

 

Match #3 – Bayley & Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair & ???

 

They have a promo before the match of no real consequence. Mainly building up Charlotte vs. Bayley at Fast Lane. Just before the tag match, NIA JAX is announced as Charlotte’s partner. I’ll say this about the promo…Charlotte was sowing the seeds for a Bayley/Sasha rivalry.

 

The match starts with Nia vs. Sasha. Nia powers Sasha down, but Sasha gets her in a brief armlock that gets tossed off. Sasha, in the corner, catches Nia with a kick, but gets thrown into said corner. Bayley tags in, but gets slammed HARD to the ground. Bayley fights up and tries a suplex on Nia. FOOLISH.

 

Bayley jumps on Nia in the corner and hits a 10-punch. Nia throws her off, but Sasha tags in blind. Nia Jax is destroying both women at once. Charlotte tags in and chops Bayley. WHOOO! Another HURRRD chop (whooo!) for two. Sasha fights back and gets a roll-up for two. Sasha with a headscissors and a dropkick to Charlotte for two. Bayley tags in, and tries some chops of her own. FOOLISH! Dana tries to cheat, but it backfires and Charlotte flies to the outside. Bayley hits her suplex on Dana to the mats outside!

 

After the break, Sasha fights away from Nia but gets a headbutt. Sasha tries an armdrag on a woman twice her size. This goes as well as you think. A HUGE set of…elbows…from Nia Jax. Charlotte gets tagged in, and hits a Stinger Splash. Charlotte with the HEADSCISSORS FROM HELL, as Sasha is bridged and tossed everywhere. Nia is tagged in, and she bullies around Sasha some more. Charlotte tags in, but Sasha avoids the double team.

 

Bayley is a HOUSE OF FIRE, nailing Charlotte with a back elbow, a corner splash, and a back suplex. ONE, NO. Charlotte knocks Bayley to the apron, but Bayley catches her with the rope. Nia is tagged in, but Bayley tries to tangle with her! She gets thrown off, and Nia drops her immediately. Sasha is then slammed onto a prone Bayley! Wow! BIG LEGDROP! ONE, TWO, THREE! Wow, the champ has been pinned!

 

Winners: Charlotte Flair & Nia Jax (**1/4)

 

Afterwards, Braun Strowman wants a Contract Signing TONIGHT. Mick Foley obliges.

 

Match #4 – Luke Gallows vs. Big Cass

 

Anderson distracts Cass early, allowing Gallows to get the advantage. Gallows with a splash in the corner, followed by a massive lariat for two. Cass fights out of a sleeper, and tries a chokeslam…but gets kicked by Gallows. They tussle and Cass takes advantage with a tacle. Splash in the corner, followed by a fallaway slam for two. Cass gets a sidewalk slam, but that only gets two! Empire Elbow! Anderson gets thrown in the steps by Enzo, as Cass gets the big kick on Gallows for the ONE, TWO, THREE!

 

Winner: Big Cass (*1/2)

 

Match #5 – Titus O’Neil vs. Sheamus

 

Apparently, this match came about from a tissyfit that took place on Facebook Live. Titus immediately destroys Sheamus on the apron, and then beats him down outside. Sheamus is barely able to continue! WHOA. Titus continues to completely dominate, but a BROGUE KICK ends this immediately. Silly, but fun.

 

Winner: Sheamus (*)

 

We get a long video package, followed by an introduction for Seth Rollins! Unfortunately, he’s…hobbling into the ring. Sad stuff. Fans are extremely sympathetic. This is a very dressed down interview…feeling like a conversation. Seth feels like this could be karma for what happened at WrestleMania 31. Corey asks if Seth’s going to be at WrestleMania, and Seth becomes emotional and says the doctors will not clear him in time.

 

Of course, this leads to the arrival of Triple H…with the world’s biggest shit-eating grin. Triple H informs Rollins that Samoa Joe is also ringside. Hunter tells Seth not be at WrestleMania. Seth then proceeds to tell Hunter that he will end The Game at WrestleMania. Uh oh…what do you think? Is he going to be there?

 

Match #6 – Shining Stars vs. Big Show

 

Big Show immediately throws Primo to the mat. Epico comes in and both men get thrown around and chopped by Show. Choke slam attempt to both men, but they fight out, and Primo gets tagged in. Primo jumps off the top and gets chopped down. KO Punch and the Chokeslam finishes for three!

 

Winner: Big Show (1/4*)

 

Backstage, Tony Nese poses and Neville mugs for the camera.

 

Match #7 – Neville & Tony Nese vs. Jack Gallagher & TJ Perkins

 

Neville attacks Jack, but TJ attacks Neville in turn. TJ accidentally nails Jack while running the ropes! Neville takes advantage on Perkins, and then tags in Nese by chopping his chest. Perkins rolls up Nese for two, followed by a drop kick! Jack tags in and hits a running flying cross body for two. Neville causes a distraction, leading to a Detonation Kick by Perkins. Jack is tagged in again, hitting the dropkick in the corner, followed by the rolling wheel lock! Neville refuses to help Tony Nese, leading to the tapout!

 

Winner: Gallagher & Perkins (*)

 

Beth Phoenix is announced for the 2017 WWE Hall of Fame!

 

Match #8 – Samoa Joe vs. Cesaro

 

These two beat the crap out of each other to start. Cesaro catches him with a gutwrench suplex, followed by a European Uppercut. Cesaro tries to go up top, but Joe knocks him off. Oh wow, Cesaro landed really badly. Cesaro hits a cross body from the top for two. Cesaro is favoring his left leg from falling off the apron earlier. Joe, like a shark that smells blood…goes in for the kill. They suddenly go to commercial. I wonder if Cesaro is truly hurt?

 

After the break, Joe catches Cesaro with the Ghetto Blaster. There’s some variety! Beats a chinlock. Cesaro powers Joe up for a standing suplex. They trade forearms and uppercuts, and Joe continues to work on the knee. Great transition into the kneebar! Cesaro powers into the Sharp Shooter, but Joe counters! Running flying uppercut by Cesaro. 10 uppercuts in the corner for Cesaro, and a slam gets two! Double knee to the chest of Joe! ONE, TWO, NO! Neutralizer attempt is countered, and Cesaro gets caught in the ropes. Joe capitalizes on the knee once more. Uranage Slam gets ONE, TWO, THREE!

 

Winner: Samoa Joe (**1/2)

 

Afterwards, Charley asks how Joe made such an impact in a short amount of time. Joe said it’s by beating people, including Cesaro tonight. Joe does not care who you are, or who loves you…when you come against The Destroyer…SAMI ZAYN HAS ARRIVED! They’re fighting out near the crowd. Security pulls the two apart, but Joe gets a cheap shot on Sami Zayn. As they’re pulled away from each other, Zayn runs off the stage and hits a somersault plancha right onto Samoa Joe! I give Zayn credit for fighting Joe, but it’s not as impressive considering Joe just had a hard match.

 

MAIN EVENT CONTRACT SIGNING

 

Foley begins to speak, but he’s immediately cut off by Strowman’s music. Strowman proceeds to bury Foley and tell him to leave. Foley begins to stand up for himself, but Braun knocks the mic out of his hands. Roman comes out, and Braun throws him into the steps. Roman comes out with the Superman Punch! Braun gets up in mere seconds, catching Roman and putting him in the post. They fight into the crowd, all the way back to the tech stage.

 

As they start to come back towards the ring, Reigns spears Strowman (and a security guard plant!) through the barricade. Reigns signs the contract as Strowman RISES FROM THE DEAD! Reigns tries to finish Braun, but BRAUN THROWS REIGNS INTO THE CORNER, BUSTING THE ROPE OFF THE BUCKLE (!!!) As Strowman starts to walk away, Reigns signs the contract to mild cheers! Wow. Something tells me they were expecting a bigger reaction.

 

Final Thoughts: I hate teasing the main event a week early. I hate burying Mick Foley for no reason. I didn’t mind everything else, though! See you next week! Don’t forget to check out Fast Lane this Sunday!