It’s WrestleMania!  The night of the immortals: Savage/Steamboat, Shawn & Razor, Bret & Austin, Shawn & Taker.

Confession time.  The Shield were still together the last time I regularly watched.  And the last show I’m certain I saw was Ronda debuting at the Rumble.  That said, I’m actually looking forward to seeing the product with fresh eyes.

I’ve also got the list ready of words I’m not allowed to use: belt, hospital, fans… 😉

Let’s go.

THE USOS VS SHINSUKE NAKAMURA & RICK BOOGS, SMACKDOWN TAG TITLES

Story going in: Boogs won a title shot on Smackdown a week ago

Crowd Response:  Pretty hyped for the opener, helped by Nakamura’s entrance, which still kicks ass.

Match quality:  Didn’t have a chance to get going.

This one was spoiled early by an injury to Boogs, his knee buckling as he attempted to stack both the champ’s on his shoulders.  Only a few minutes in, Nakamura was double-teamed in the Uso’s corner before being hit with the 1D for the 123.

WINNER: The Usos

DREW MCINTYRE VS HAPPY CORBIN

Story going in: Corbin’s twice stolen McIntyre’s sword

Crowd Response:  They were VERY into one half, I’ll let you guess which

Match quality:  Pretty good.  Drew’s impressive.

So last time I saw Baron Corbin, he was being booed in NXT after the fans had stopped counting the length of his matches because he’s deathly boring with no discernible ability or charisma.  In fact, this match had so little going for it that they resorted to insulting McIntyre’s dead mother on Friday night.

Stay classy WWE.

Another cool entrance.  The two exchanged blows early until McIntyre clotheslined Happy over the top.  Corbin got his revenge, sending Drew out via the ringpost.  Taking advantage, Corbin controlled the pace.  Unfortunately, the crowd couldn’t have cared less.

Up on the apron, Moss distracted Corbin, leading to a spinebuster, a belly to belly and a neckbreaker.  Countering with a deep six, Drew kicked out at 2.5.  After hitting from the top rope, McIntyre set up for the climax but Happy bailed outside where Drew hit him with a plancha.

Ducking each other’s finishes, Cole ruined a possible ending when he insisted ‘it was over’ after Corbin hit End of Days.  Recovering, Drew then immediately hit the Futureshock DDT and the Claymore for the win.

Lastly, McIntyre ‘broke’ the ropes with his sword as a hokey sound effect boomed.

WINNER: Drew McIntyre

LOGAN PAUL & THE MIZ VS THE MYSTERIOS

Story going in: Miz, jealous of Mysterio, drafted in Paul to attack father and son, stealing Rey’s mask in the process

Crowd Response:  They were pretty into this one.

Match quality: Fairly good, particularly considering the inexperience of two of the guys.

A distracted Mysterio was immediately caught in the wrong corner where Paul went to work.  Tagging in, Miz was himself doubled for a one count.  Dominic exploded with dives and flashy moves until Logan clocked him from behind.

An Oklahoma Stampede brought a two count for Paul before more double teaming from he and Miz for another two.  Miz brought the crowd to their feet with a chinlock.

Back in, Paul hit a Blockbuster for yet another two.  Dominic needed a tag as he continued to be isolated in the wrong corner.

Fighting free with a tornado DDT, Rey finally got the tag and exploded with a hurracanrana and a vicious kick to the face for dos.  Paul saved Miz from another pin attempt before a double-team suplex was turned into a roll-up for yet another close count.

Rey set up the 619 but had to settle for a tornado DDT and another close count.  Unleashing the Three Amigos to chants of ‘Eddie’, Miz cheated out and tagged his partner back in.  Heavy boos for Logan.  Which got heavier as he hit Three Amigos of his own and a frog splash and pin which Dominic just broke-up in time.

Chased into a trap, Logan was struck with the double 619 and back-to-back splashes but Miz snuck in for the Skull Krushing Finale on Rey for the win.  This might have been the only thing he did in the match.

But he wasn’t done.  As they celebrated Miz snapped and hit his finish on his own partner.

WINNER: Miz and Logan Paul

Next Stephanie McMahon’s airbrushed smile made its way to the stage for a jargon-filled, insincere Hallmark card of a promo introducing Gable Steveson.

BECKY LYNCH VS BIANCA BELAIR, RAW WOMEN’S TITLE

Story going in: Belair won the Elimination Chamber for a chance to regain her title from the foe who took it last summer

Crowd Response:  Belair was cheered wildly; Becky had a mixed response with more cheers than boos.  They were very into this one.

Match quality:  Excellent.  Lynch controlled early but grew increasingly desperate as she realized she couldn’t win.

If Becky’s a heel now, why the hell does she still have her feel-good, sing-a-long music?  Totally clashed with her Lady Gaga look too.  For her part, Bianca received a marching band leading into her own emergence.  Bianca’s music is incredibly catchy.

Starting hot, Becky responded to a handshake with a punch, making Bianca look pretty stupid, before they traded finish attempts, ending with Becky grabbing an ever-so-close to 3 count after a Manhandle Slam in a repeat of the Summerslam ending.

Frustrated, Lynch attempted a bunch more pin’s to no avail.  Leading to a missed moonsault which Bianca transitioned into a Disarmer.  Slight botch here as they reversed each other into a bunch of cradles for two counts.

Heading outside, Belair was shoved into the ringsteps.  Right on top of her as she came in, Lynch took control with suplexes for another close count.  Lynch again countered a comeback attempt with a diving legdrop as Bianca was draped over the ropes.

Continuing the domination, Becky slapped-on an armbar as the crowd quieted, until Belair hoisted her up onto her shoulders which Lynch countered by pulling both over the ropes to the outside.

Finally mustering offense, Bianca hit a painful looking suplex on the ringside mats before firing away with punches back inside the ring and a gutwrench suplex for two.

Dragging Becky to the corner, Belair went up-top but was cut-off as Lynch attempted a superplex.  Dropping the champion across the ropes, Bianca followed with a 450 from the middle rope which didn’t quite get the job done.

Responding, Becky legitimately smacked Bianca in the face with her heel in attempting a senton from the top.  A series of attempted moves by both followed, all ending in counters or reversals as neither could get the upper hand.

Which continued when Becky tried to choke Bianca with her boot in the corner.  Muscling her up onto her shoulders, Bianca went for the KOD as Lynch clung desperately to the ropes and was flung over the top.  Where the champ tried to remain, knowing she was in trouble and suckering Belair into a Manhandle onto the steps as Bianca squeaked back inside with the count at 9.

Finally, a seemingly half-dead Belair countered another Manhandle, using the ropes to flip backwards before snatching Lynch up into the KOD for the 123.

Which was great since we got Bianca’s music again.  A new favourite.

WINNER: Bianca Belair

SETH ROLLINS VS CODY RHODES

Story going in: Seth has no match going in to the biggest show of the year.  Vince promised him an opponent TBA the night of the show.  Whoever could it be?

Crowd Response: Huge reaction as Cody emerged with his exact AEW entrance.  A little quiet before picking up for the ending sequence.

Match quality:  After 10 mins – slow and a little off.  By the end, very good.

A weird choir preceded Seth’s entrance.  Btw, if you can’t swear, just say nothing rather than ‘freakin’.  Dreadful.

Chants of ‘Cody’ filled the air followed by an anticipatory hush.

Escaping the ‘boos’ of AEW, Rhodes had the crowd behind him as the bell rang.  Starting very slowly, this was very ‘wrestling’, headlocks, lock-ups until finally Cody hit his patented uppercut from his back.

Speeding up, both went for their finish and exchanged suplex attempts which ended with both hurtling over the ropes and landing hard on the outside.

Slowing again, Rhodes controlled the arm on the mat, then got caught by a Rollins’ dropkick as he came off the top.  Which led to Seth targeting Rhodes’ ribs.  Continuing the punishment, Seth audibly shouted ‘welcome back to the big-leagues b****’.

Rollins was then sent crashing over the announce table courtesy of a tope suicida.  Back inside, Cody got a 2 with a cross-body from the top, nearly landing right on his neck as he did.  Retreating to the outside, Rollins powerbombed Cody right into the barricade as Finn Balor winced.  Before grabbing a two-count with a flying-knee, a superkick and a falcon arrow.

Sizing up a Curb Stomp, a series of counters followed before Rollins paid homage to Scott Hall, welcoming Cody back by kicking out of his finish as Cody looked flustered.  This finally woke the crowd-up, at least temporarily.

Rollins then hit a reverse superplex, floating over into Goldust’s Curtain Call (which the announcers missed) for another close two.  Both attempted Pedigrees until Rhodes hit a powerbomb and Cody cutter, drawing another close count.

Finally landing the Pedigree, Seth got another 2 before both crawled to their feet, exchanging strikes until Rollins laid Rhodes out with a discus punch.  Arrogantly turning his back, he allowed Cody to hit back-to-back Cross-Rhodes, Dream punches and a Bionic Elbow before another Cross Rhodes for the crowd-pleasing victory.

If WWE has any sense, Cody will be treated as a star from the moment he sets foot in the door ’til the moment he leaves.  Why?  Because Wardlow, MJF and others will be watching.

WINNER: Cody Rhodes 

Our 2022 Hall of Fame inductees were paraded before the crowd, culminating with the Deadman.

We cut back to the announcers, who informed us that Rick Boogs suffered a torn quad/patella injury. 

CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS RONDA ROUSEY, SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S TITLE

Story going in: Ronda won the Rumble, Charlotte can’t make Ronda tap, while Ronda’s added to her arsenal of submissions

Crowd Response:  Muted.  Maybe tired, but muted.

Match quality: Messy.  The idea of all the submissions and counters was good but this wasn’t smooth.  Rousey’s semi-regular posturing while she had the upper hand didn’t help her either, as it kept backfiring.

By all accounts – including Becky Lynch’s – things haven’t been going well for Ronda since her return.  And by all accounts – including Becky Lynch’s – this story has been poor.  Tonight was a chance to put all that right.

Ronda clearly borrowed Stephanie’s smile for her entrance.  Unnatural doesn’t do it justice.  Boy does WWE still love Charlotte, who looks rather different than last I saw her.

An intense start full of flurries and takedowns aimed at the leg.  Fighting out to the apron, Flair dropped Ronda painfully across it before fighting off an ankle lock attempt by dragging Rousey through the ropes and flinging her into the ringpost.

Escaping from a dragon sleeper, Rousey drove her knee into Flair’s face for two.  Some awkward exchanges in the corner led to another two count and some judo takeovers.  Which Ronda decided to celebrate by shadowboxing and paid for it, walloped with a spear for another close call.

Another ugly mess-up as Charlotte blew her husband-to-be’s double moonsault.  Maybe they were tired but the crowd was almost silent here.  A judo-throw from the top didn’t do much to wake them, nor did a piper’s pit.  They were roused briefly by an armbar attempt but Charlotte countered and hit a big boot.

An exchange of ankle locks brought them to life somewhat as Rousey stood over a downed Flair, attempting an armlock which Charlotte countered into a sort-of powerbomb.  Both attempted a bunch of submissions, resulting in another ankle lock by Rousey which she lay down into as the tap looked imminent.  Kicks to the face let Charlotte escape as she slapped-on the Figure Eight until Rousey reversed it.

Clambering to the ropes, Flair got the break as Ronda fell to the floor.  Intercepting Charlotte as she scaled the ropes, Rousey judo-flipped her off the apron with a thwack, following up by running in and being sent crashing into the barricade by an exploder from Flair.

Back in the ring, Rousey got a three via a piper’s pit but Charlotte had her leg on the rope.  Natural Selection followed for a very close two count as Flair looked frustrated.  Ronda then tapped Flair out with the Armbar but the ref had been taken out accidentally by Flair.  A quick boot to the face caught Ronda unawares, allowing Charlotte to retain her title.  For many reasons, the finish seemed flat.

WINNER: Charlotte Flair

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN ON THE K.O. SHOW W/ KEVIN OWENS

Story going in: Owens has been dogging Texas, prompting the return of the Rattlesnake

Crowd Response: OH HELL YEAH!

Match quality: Who cares, it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin!

‘Stone Cold, Stone Cold, Stone Cold…’  Certainly helps make it feel ‘WrestleMania’ when the biggest star in the history of the business shows up.

Owens came out to LOUD boos, proving that the problem in the previous match was not crowd fatigue.  ‘Austin’ chants rang out.

Owens welcomed us to the ‘WrestleMania main event edition’ of his show.  The ‘What’ chants started early as Owens ‘apologised’ for telling the truth about Texas, it’s actually worse than he remembers.

He promised to tell Austin face to face that he sucks and Austin will sit there and take it because if he doesn’t, Owens will give him a stunner…  Mid-sentence, the glass broke.  So did the crowd.

One of the benefits of being bald thirty years ago is that Austin doesn’t look a whole lot different.  Briefly returning backstage, he then flew down to ringside aboard an ATV.  K.O. cut-off Austin’s entrance as the crowd chanted loudly for their local hero, instructing him to ‘take a seat.’

Debating the merits of Texas, this was downright well-behaved at the outset.  ‘I would have moved to Mexico, it’s right there!’  It was then that Owens revealed he’d lied: ‘I’m lookin’ for a fight.’  He then challenged the Rattlesnake to a no holds barred match, listing Austin’s ailments before saying ‘other than that you’re fine.’

And if he wasn’t up for it to ‘get your ass back to your stupid ranch.’

‘If you want Stone Cold Steve Austin to compete against this sack of sh**, gimme a hell yeah!’

Needless to say, the crowd wanted him to compete.  A ref was called, the bell rang.  And nineteen years later, the biggest draw in company history unloaded with ‘piston-like right hands’ before ‘stompin’ a mudhole and walkin’ it dry’.  Calling for a beer, Austin took a quick swig before continuing stomping K.O. into the mat.

Another beer on the outside led to a Stone Cold clothesline before dropping the Canadian face-first onto the barricade.  ‘You still got it!’

Turning the tables, Owens reversed Austin into the buckle before unloading on a downed Rattlesnake.  It didn’t last though, as Stone Cold brought the fight out into the crowd, whereupon Owens countered a suplex onto the exposed floor.

Firing back, the two flung punches before a knee to the gut made it seem Owens was on top.  That was before Austin sent him sprawling from the barricade onto the announce table.  More beers atop a prone Owens, culminating in spitting the cold stuff all over the Canadian.

Deciding to flee, K.O. hopped aboard the ATV, but was taken for a ride, literally, to the top of the ramp where Owens was hit with another suplex, and another suplex.  WHAT!  Flinging his opponent back down to the ring, Stone Cold paused for more refreshments as the announcers pushed his lager, hard.  A Stunner out of nowhere grabbed K.O. a two count as Austin lay prone.

A steel chair shot backfired, leading to a real Stunner, a ‘Stone Cold’ Stunner and the very popular three-count for the native Texan.  Of course, when he finally got to his feet, Owens ate another.

The Rattlesnake then celebrated the only way he knows how, before declaring ‘It’s good to be back in Texas, and that’s the Bottom Line, cause Stone Cold Said So!’ as the crowd joined in.

Finally, Byron Saxton was beckoned into the ring.  He mustn’t have watched as a kid, because much as you might like to, you don’t share a beer with Steve Austin.  Rattlesnakes don’t make good pets.  D.T.A.  All that good stuff.  Naturally, a Stunner followed before Steve’s brother joined the celebrations.  Not gonna lie, was a little disappointed he didn’t get dropped.

WINNER: Stone Cold Steve Austin 

This was a very, very good show.  Some excellent action.  Some of the little things like the constant product placements and the announcers’ being forced to use the wrestler’s company-approved nicknames over and over were a little annoying but after hearing a lot of negative about the WWE over the years, this was surprisingly entertaining.

Let’s see what night two can do.

GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO WATCH… 

• Bianca vs Becky
• Stone Cold’s return

Thanks for reading.  Enjoy night two.